i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
