I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize