just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
