I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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