shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize