You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
