I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize