Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
