my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Is it because I queefed?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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