Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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