my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
