Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
