I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
tell me about the eggs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
