She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
