he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
