I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
