is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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