I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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