when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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