Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Fuck appropriateness.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
