um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
