Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
