She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Randomize
