i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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