My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
