just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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