I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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