I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
