You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
