tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
