I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
