can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
