low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
