is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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