$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
