3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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