Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
In America we eat man semen.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
