you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
