I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She bit a glass in half.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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