So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
