I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
