Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I could make wine with my vomit
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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