The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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