kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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