sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
