I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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