Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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