His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
