Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Come see our sink grown plant.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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