im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
