Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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