There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize