My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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