I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
