I have demons in me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
