she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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