When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
