im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
