this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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