She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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