you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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