Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
