if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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