I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
