Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
