where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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