seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
