nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He has the fingertips of a God
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